I've heard it said that a writer should gain experience in the real world and that would greatly enrich and inform one's writing. I have heard that hyenas are nocturnal creatures that suck blood from wildebeasts. I have heard that the real world consists of things we do not enjoy, but must endure. I have heard that keeping it real means keeping it real compared to what? I've heard that over 65% of Americans have shoplifted at some point in their life. I've heard it's good luck to have cheese in your beard. That to throw salt over a rabbit's shoulder is wise. I've been told that having health insurance increases the value of my hourly wage by at least two dollars. I have heard that home is where you lay your head. I've heard that you can't go home again, but if you do, everything looks smaller. I've heard that books don't make people, people make books. Computers don't make mistakes, people make computers that make mistakes. I've heard that a well rounded education means you've read Shakespeare, the Bible, and a People's History of the United States. I have heard creatures I probably shouldn't have heard while standing next to a bat cave in the ruins of Palenque all night, waiting for the sun, my legs softening and bowing from exhaustion. I've heard I should have a t-shirt that reads, I survived a night of standing in the rain at the ruins of Palenque with an umbrella I fashioned from three large philidendron leaves tied together with a shoelace. I have heard it's bad luck to turn down an offer of water. That plants enjoy music and grow better with Mozart than Metallica. I've heard it's possible to be both a cult figure and a pop figure at the same time. That I'm not being lied to. That yesterday's classics were today's bestsellers. That today's bestsellers are yesterday's classics. That solitude and solitudeness are two different things. There's a kind of coffee from Brazil that comes out of a lemur's arse and costs twenty-three dollars a pound. That there are bass frequencies so low they can make you poop. Tha examining your poop can tell you vital details about your diet. That to be well adjusted to a sick society is not a measure of health. I've heard my elevator does not go to the top and the smoke alarm is always on. Recycling does not apply to mammals, otherwise there would be a bin for the green hampsters and no one would be offended when I asked them if they took it out yet. There is a sucker in every room, and it's likely they know the same whore and have high-fived over it while shaking their hips to Prince's 1999. That I am a latent heterosexual. That I should feel more concerned about my teeth and testicles than my prostate or penis. That being a comedian is the toughest job in the world. I've heard that surfing was invented in Northern Peru from a dealer in Huanchaco, that it was invented in Hawaii from a cokehead in Santa Cruz. That I should feel lucky to have a job. That I should never look back, even if I've lost my dentures. Go, go gadget dentures. That it's not wise to date someone by asking leading questions about the Carter administration. That I am doomed and I am going to hell because I was born in Boston instead of more educated rural Nebraska and have no appreciation for Sarah Palin. I have heard that Africa is a continent, made up of hundreds of distinct ethnic cultures or nations and made of more than one country. That you'll never get ahead by saying yes to the man. Walking is one of the best forms of exercise. I should stop my mind from thinking and just put on my anti-anxiety space suit.